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Posts Tagged ‘Dr. Barbara De Angelis’

The next time your man is caught looking at some lady, just know that you are right in smacking him and that you have every right to dump him.

According to the article “The Science of a Happy Marriage,” a faithful guy will instinctively tell himself that an attractive girl is “not so great” in order to protect the relationship. He will trick his mind into thinking the girl is undesirable so that his attraction diminishes and she does not threaten his existing relationship and he can keep his Big Boy in his pants.

So if he is a FAITHFUL man, he will not look at the hot girl passing by, he will look at you deeply and tell you that “You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Another good advice from Dr. Barbara De Angelis’ excellent book: Ask Barbara: The 100 Most-Asked Questions…, a reader asks her, “How do you deal with a partner who is a flirt?” This reader’s boyfriend not only stares at other attractive women but when she confronts him that his actions are disrespectful, he accuses her of being “insecure” and “jealous”.

I had an ex that was like that once. He would tell me the same – that I was “insecure”, that the only reason I was “jealous” was because I noticed the other girl having a hotter body than me. If I didn’t feel so self-conscious, or if I didn’t think thatthat girl was better looking than me, then I wouldn’t have minded and wouldn’t be making a fuss. He would also rationalize his actions by explaining to me that looking at other women is like looking at a red Ferrari passing by. It’s just something that catches men’s eyes and what they notice. They “can’t help but stare.”

I wished I had come across Dr. Barbara’s advice sooner instead of blaming myself and allowing my confidence to be eroded by my ex. I always felt it in my gut that I couldn’t trust him. In the end, I caught him looking around online when we were already engaged for 2 years. Thank goodness I broke up with him!

Here’s Dr. De Angelis’ advice:

“He’s acting like an insensitive jerk… What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful. I call it ‘leaking sexual energy.’ He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less… You know [his “friendly” actions are much more]…you can feel it in your gut.

As for his accusations that you are ‘insecure’ and ‘jealous’, those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

See, there’s a difference between ‘noticing’ that another human being is attractive as she walks by…and…having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging in it.

Now, let me take his side for a moment…it’s possible that your sweetheart is a really nice, but misguided member of the male race who just doesn’t realize how his behaviour is hurting you. Then again, it’s possible that he’s not a nice guy and couldn’t care less about your feelings. That’s a distinction only you can make.

Try sharing this information with your boyfriend without blaming him, coming from a more neutral place. See if it helps him understand how hurtful his behaviour is to you, and let him know you respect yourself too much to stay in the relationship if the flirting continues.”

In another commentary, she also addresses men fantasizing other women while making love to their partner. This is wrong. This is mental cheating – and it’s equivalent to “screwing you” as opposed to “making love”. He may as well put a bag over your head if he’s “fantasizing” you are someone else.

“When your husband invests his sexual and emotional energy in someone else’s direction, even if the contact isn’t physical, he is making a deposit elsewhere.”

This is how a right relationship should look…

So now that I’ve finally opened my eyes, learned from my mistakes, and moved on to my new man, when I shared with him my past story and my issue around men looking at other girls, he completely agreed with me that I had every right to feel the way I did, that my ex was a ‘dick’ for making me feel like a psycho when I responded to his lack of respect. When my new guy sees an attractive female pass by, he does notice her, but he would then quickly turn to me and tell me how beautiful I look tonight or earlier today to make me feel secure and confident. That is how a Prince should treat a Princess. So don’t let a guy wear down your confidence! Tell your situation to all your friends and I’m sure they’ll tell you to lose the guy!!! Listen to your gut and those who truly love you!

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Essence of Marriage

It’s essential to share a vision and understanding of the purpose of your relationship, so that when stuff comes up, and it will, you remember what you’re doing there in the first place. Adopt these understandings:

1) We have been brought together for the purpose of helping each other grow, and will be each other’s teacher.

2) Our relationship is a precious gift – it will take us through whatever we need to learn to become more conscious, loving human beings.

3) The challenges and difficulties we experience will always illuminate our most needed lessons.

Marriage is not a noun. It’s a verb. It’s not something you have, like a house, a piece of paper. Marriage is a behaviour. It is a choice you make over and over again, reflected in the way you treat your partner every day.

Marriage should grow in love, passion, and connection year after year. This is realistic IF both partners decide to do what it takes to rekindle the passion and learn some of the skills of successful loving.

A successful marriage requires couples to make marriage their number-one priority, to talk about each other’s needs, to resolve and heal hidden resentments, and to actively learn how to make love work.

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Advice from Dr. Barbara De Angelis

p.6-7

“Relationships don’t just lose their chemistry overnight. It takes years of neglect, not making the marriage a number-one priority, not talking about your needs, not resolving and healing hidden resentments, and not actively learning how to make love work. All these unhealthy emotional habits are what takes a couple from feeling “in love” to feeling like roomates.”

“Start by sitting down with your partner, taking his hands, and telling him how much you miss the physical and emotional closeness you used to share. (Believe me, he misses it too!) Without blaming him, tell him you want to work toward transforming your “comfortable” relationship into one that is intimate and exciting. Tell him he deserves more than he’s getting, as you do. When you both recommit to learning how to love, and use some of the skills I teach…, you’ll find renewed levels of communication, closeness, and excitement.”

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